This week my writing style is gonna be as crazy as the episode. I will go back and forth between tenses – past and present. I’ma just call it the way I see it, though so if you AGAIN missed the episode (have you NOT heard of TiVo or DVR??) I have broken it down for you.
Ali chose Frank
to go on the first date. They had a vintage car to drive around and wouldn’t it figure the bastard broke down on the freeway! While they were getting their ass saved, the douchebags at the mansion were arguing.
Craig R:
accused Justin:
of lying because during the first night cocktail party he didn’t tell all the manhos he was an entertainment wrestler but he told Ali. Boo Fucking Hoo idiot – it’s a competition!
Ali & Frank finished their awesome date by having kissy kissy time under the Hollywood sign. They got the vintage wreck fixed and had a picnic and snuggle time on the hood of the car somewhere in the Hwood hills. Pure romance. Ali is loving Frank’s ass in a big way!
Back at the mansion, the boys got their next date time note: Going on the date are: Chris H, Justin, Ty, Chris L., Jonathan, Kirk, Steve, Craig R. Chris, Jason, Craig M., Tyler, and Steve. I think. Twelve mofos on one date?!
Craig M
started picking on hottie Jessie
about his tattoos. He said he wanted to know what Ali was gonna say when she saw his tats and asked if his mom did them for him. Craig M. continued taunting Jessie into the night and finally managed to both piss Jessie off as well as scare some of the housemates. He’s definitely a psycho, definitely great for TV!
Ali gave Frank the rose to stay, of course – I think they may have had sex on the hood of the car. He’s in lurve.
On the group date, Ali took the boys to the beach in Malibu where Justin had to go down about a zillion steps down to the sand on his crutches. Ali announced they were doing a calendar shoot for charity so the guys had to all pack their junk into banana slings and pose for pictures. Jonathan was really shy about getting into a speedo so he whined about it but finally put it on and came out wearing a floatie ring. Some of the guys appeared to have vaginas under their suits or else they were practicing a good tuck game and why WOULD they? Ali is obviously the kinda gal who likes to see what kinda junk someone’s packing – remember how she kept Craig R. around after the first date? Well here I thought he musta shown her some huge shlong yet in his teeny weeny trunks he has the teeny tiniest junx!!
Anysmallpenis, all the guys thought Craig M. acted like a total douchebag and it’s true, he did. They all went to dinner after and Ty opened up and told her that he’d been married before. AWKWARD! Ali’s eyes got real big at the first mention of his having been divorced and stayed that way the whole time he talked about it. In other words, buh bye, Ty!
Jonathan is scared to death psycho Craig M. is gonna come at him so he’s thinking about his marshall arts moves he’s got that he might have to pull out. Jonathan goes and interrupts Ty and Ali to talk about the CRAZY in the house and that she needs to pull the plug on mister nutty pants. Jonathan kind of lost his shit a little bit and I definitely think he’s gay. Like 110%. Ali immediately ushered Jonathan back out where all the rest of the guys beckoned him by calling, “Hey weatherman…” Craig pestered him a little and got him ALMOST crying…he may have and producers just edited that out…not sure.
Back at the mansion: A note arrives with a pair of cufflinks with Jessie’s initials on them. The other guys spend some time giving him some shit about it but there doesn’t seem to be any real animosity about it. Mostly because the true asshats are on the large group date.
Returning to the group date, Justin hobbles on his crutches down a series of steps to see Ali. Honestly, the crutches shit is gonna get real old real quick. They just need to call the scooter store for this bitch. The guys are all busting on him while he’s gone about how he’s probably throwing the sympathy card (he was). While Justin was downstairs spooning with Ali several of the guys were talking shit about him, including Kasey the Muppet guy – like he should talk! Seriously. with a muppet voice like that he needs to keep his damn trap shut! After her rendezvous with Justin, Ali returned to the rest of the gents and gave the date rose to Ty the happy divorced guy! Wow! Shocker!!
Ali is ready for her date with Jessie. She thinks he’s hot and sexy. As he’s getting ready he’s putting tons of (wayyy too much) product in his hair. He’s nervous, he has the cufflinks and he’s ready to go. Probably blowing ass cuz you know how them cute guys get - you think they’re all cool and collected when really they get really loose bowels when they get nervous and fart up a storm. I have a real good looking brother so I am very familiar with this phenomenon. Ali & Jessie are going in a private jet to Vegas. The cute boy is smiling ear to ear. She’s scared to fly (she was the one Jake took in the plane because she was scared) so she has her hand on his hot muscular thigh. Good call Ali. Even if she wasn’t scared, any chance to be able to put her hands all over him is smart thinking!!
They land and get into a red ferarri convertible. Not bad for a first date. I call show over, leave it at Jessie!! They get to a brand new private pool area, eat oysters, which he tries and tells her if it didn’t have lemon it would have tasted like shit, and then they swim and wrap their bodies around each other and paw each other under the water. Nice date – swimming and heavy petting. After swimming, they got dressed up (him in a new suit with his cufflinks) and went to dinner. She came down a spiral staircase in a gorgeous boobie baring gown and she had the shades raised to show the strip all lit up out 2 windows behind them. It was a gorgeous dinner date. Had he not called her dude, it might have even been perfect.
Back at the house, Craig M. is up to his normal douchebaggery. He puts on Weatherman’s coat and comes in saying he’s looking for his little brother Weatherman. He takes the jacket off and he has watered down his pits from shoulder to belt. Poor Jonathan is steaming mad! Guy takes himself way too seriously and just cannot laugh at himself. He’s starting to really remind me of Tommy Girl!
Jessie and Ali continue their date and conversation and Ali presents him with the date rose, then they go to a club for private dancing and making out. MAN is Jessie HOT!!
Cocktail party time. Chris L. got some nervous, awkward, forgettable one on one time. Bummer. After that, Ali took Roberto back to the spot where they salsa danced last week and Ali is nervous and giggly talking to him. He told her that he had gotten drafted by the CO Rockies and asks if she wants to play catch. He goes to get his gloves and ball and they have a catch – very sweet. He teaches her to throw a knuckle ball and she did a pretty decent job. I have to put my cynicism aside and say I REALLY hope this guy sticks around because he’s a total doll.
Next she got Kasey Muppet guy who told her she looked ABSOLUTELY IMAGINARY. What could that even possibly mean?!?! He got no more time than that and Frank butted in and stole Ali away from Kasey. Even though rat bastard has a rose from his one on one date! He spent some good time kissing Ali while several of the other guys looked on and wanted to simultaneously puke and rip Frank’s head off.
Craig M. says, “Weatherman, if you get your one on one time with Ali tonight are you gonna try to make out with her or anything?” and then laughs tauntingly. Jonathan does get his one on one and talks about Craig M.
Craig M. gets his time with Ali and totally blows it. He acts like a crazy homeless dude all paranoid. Doesn’t know how to respond to Ali’s questions, and then is confronted with the knowledge that someone told her he’s dangerous. He figures Jonathan said it and he gathers all the guys and asks who said it, then asks Jonathan if he said it…and more awkwardness ensues. I think Weatherman has somewhere around a 90% chance of precip in his pants right now.
During the speech at the beginning of the rose ceremony they had a quick shot of Weatherman smiling at Ali like he had a steaming pile of shit in his pants and he was thrilled as all get out about it. The more I see this guy, the more I believe he is headed straight for Broadway when this thing wraps.
In addition to the guys who already got their roses (Frank, Ty, and HOT Jessie) the guys who got roses tonight in order were:
Kasey Muppet Guy.
Hunter – Sorry I’m not seeing it. I don’t remember her even talking to this guy this time.
Roberto HOTTTTT!!!!!
Chris L.
Justin
Steve – All I still know about this guy is that he has curly hair.
Kirk – got some serious sunburn this week
John C. – I still can’t get past the McDonald’s eyebrows
Craig R.
Chris N.
Jonathan N. WHAT?? He just shit his pants again!! and had the look on his face to prove it!
She got rid of Craig M and a real hot guy plus some other guy. Even though Craig was a total idiot, he was freaking hilarious! So, while we’ll have a little less funny to look forward to, we’ll still have some drama as there’s still plenty of super donkey asshole douchebaggery to go around!
