And just like that, it’s over.

May 24, 2010 at 10:15 pm (Celbritasses, JoBros Stuff, sad sad sad)
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Today before I learned some sad news, I had gone to the market for some miscellaneous items and happened to buy a 4 pack of tissues. Now I know for sure that I have The Shine (thanks @reformerlyfab - one of my main Twitches for pointing that out to me). So, as if anyone really cares to know this, there I was waltzing around the grocery store, throwing in a tomato here, a box of spaghetti there. As I passed the paper goods aisle I thought as I always do, I wonder if we need papertowelsbumwipepaperplatesnapkinsplasticspoons, etc. The answer was NO! I have everything I need in that aisle. Then I stopped. It was as if my cart was steering itself to the tissues and stopped in front of them. I reached my hand up and hovered in front of the single boxes and felt a pull toward a 4 pack. I shrugged and threw it into the cart. $5.99 and we’re all gonna have some dry noses.

Well two things happened when I got home with my purchases. #1, my 8 year old kid had nose bleeds all day at school that continued while she was home. She started stuffing paper towels up her nostrils but I stopped her before she tore one open (nostril not paper towel) and handed her a box of tissues. That left me three for the FOLLOWING breaking news:

#2 Jemi has split up. I repeat: JEMI is O-V-A-H!!! Evidently an unnamed source is reporting that Joe had his Dad call Demi and tell her that Joe was breaking up with her. If that’s true, that is the biggest bunch of bullshit since Lindsay Lohan “losing” her passport in Cannes. 

I know there are some folks who believed this was a relationship contract situation, but I never believed it, and I certainly don’t believe it now. If this was a contract, why would they end it before the Jonas Brothers/Demi Lovato world tour this summer, and before Camp Rock 2 premieres in September? I don’t think they would. It would be a shomance until it was not needed to be anymore. And if this was a showmance, it would still be going on, believe it.

So, Lover Boy has tossed another girl aside, and my 3 boxes of tissues are nearly empty. I’ll be ok. In a few months I’ll barely remember that they were ever a couple at all.  In time I will even delete the folder I have set up on my computer called “Jemi” where I stored 5 pictures for use on this rarely-updated blog.  Seriously, things have to get monumental for me to drag ass over here and post….and I do believe the events of this day have called for some serious blog posting.

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Douche Nozzle of the Millenium – Jesse James

March 31, 2010 at 4:13 pm (Celbritasses, Douche Nozzle of the Week, sad sad sad, Shit I don't get)
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So the Tiger Woods sex scandal was pretty crazy, epecially because you just weren’t expecting him to be a sex freak with all the dirty sexting and him getting on his ambien freak and everything. For me it wasn’t the volume of women, it was the sordid details that kind of shocked me.  And I have always said, after 911 shocking me is next to impossible. Not that any of this sex scandal stuff is more shocking than 911, please don’t get me wrong…it’s just that I read or hear about some of it and actually am taken aback.  Actually I look at it and think, “Wow. Now that’s some crazy shit!” and not a lot makes me think that these days.

So Tiger, he’s a douche, yes. He fucked up his marriage, he disrespected his family – you might even say he ruined his family. He brought 2 children into this world and fucked them over. He’s an ass of epic proportions. 

But Jesse James…it just keeps getting more and more fucked up.  First, there’s the Heil Hitler picture that’s now out there. 

Evidently it’s from before he and Sandy were married. It’ sick, whether it was a joke or not. Who jokes about Hitler? A seriously fucked-in-the-head individual is who.

The shit obviously started hitting  the fan when Michelle “Bombshell” McGee stepped forward as whore #1 and now we’re not only up to #5, but we’re gonna throw a foursome with 2 bitches and a dude into the mix.  And Jesse James & the dude taking turns on the one woman named “skittles” (could a porn company actually write this story?) and Jesse wasn’t even wearing a condom – and the other dude thinks maybe he, himself tied off the finger of a latex glove but even he’s not sure about that…now that’s some shit that makes me think, “what the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously.”

You look at that shit and think, “Why?” Well, probably because Sandy Bullock is a normal, sweet lady. She’s probably not a whore in the bedroom.  She might try to be, knowing that her husband was married to a porn star, so she probably pulled out her best ho moves, but women like Sandy Bullock don’t have that deep down dirty shit in their repertoire that can satisfy a man-whore like Jesse James.   Apparently he’s the kind of guy who wants not only a whore in the bedroom, but now it’s becoming clear he just likes filthy whores anywhere he can get them.

Check the article at The Huff-Post for the gory details. Beware, as if it were possible to have any respect remaining for Jesse James, any iota that even the most disgusting pig has toward him will be gone after you read this. He’s simply the douche nozzle of the millenium as far as I’m concerned.

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What I learned in Kindergarten that Naomi Campbell obviously didn’t:

March 2, 2010 at 6:50 pm (Celbritasses)
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Keep your hands to yourself! OMG this bitch is fucking bat shit crazy! It’s not that I didn’t think it before, but every time an assault charge is flung at her, it solidifies it even more. More icing on the crazy cake.  So today, Crazy Ass Naomi hit her driver on the back of the head as he was driving. He claims his head hit the steering wheel – wow did he know who he had in his car? Aren’t people automatically on flying cell phone watch when she’s in their presence? 

Anyway, NayNay guuurl bitch slapped her driver then made for the hills on foot – another sure sign that fuckery has occurred – when you see crazy bitch running from a scene you know she has done something she shouldn’t have did!

So let’s take a look-see at some of Naomi’s prior altercations and the repercussions:

1998 – assaults her assistant Georgina Galanis with a phone. Plead guilty (in 2000) to assault and paid Galanis an undisclosed amount of money. Attended Anger Management classes.

2007 – Plead guilty to assault in NY after throwing a phone at her housekeeper during an argument over a pair of jeans. She spent five days mopping floors and cleaning toilets. Attended Anger Management classes.

2008 – Plead guilty to assaulting two police officers during an expletive-filled incident after she had discovered an airline had lost one of her bags. Sentenced by a London court to 200 hours of community service.

One of 2 things needs to happen: either they find stronger anger management classes or bitch needs to go on medication. Third option, put her down – they do it with rabid animals, they should also do it to Naomi Campbell.

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Adam Lambert needs to reel it back in a little

February 28, 2010 at 10:29 pm (Celbritasses, Drugs 'n' Mugs, Shit I don't get)
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My God, Girlfriend – you’ve been a celebrity for a half a second and already we know you like boys but sometimes kiss girls (and trashy-ass ones at that), that you like to criticize other artists talents and abilities, and that you are ok with telling impressionable peeps that drugs are ok.

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Ashlee Simpson totally ruins a “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” Segment

September 5, 2009 at 1:32 am (Celbritasses)
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I actually don’t know that I ever heard this idiot speak before. I vaguely remember some shit back when she had a few epis of a reality show of her “singing career” and I knew I didn’t care for her, but I didn’t realize how utterly annoying she was until this segment on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Not only does she have nothing of any value to offer to this program, but I fear I have lost 13 IQ points by having the channel on while she was droning on like an asshole and laughing her inane stoner laugh over and over and over. Don’t know how you could live without seeing this for another minute, do you? Well Click here. I know I could post the vid right here but I don’t have the energy to mess with it – I feel like I’m high by association just by watching the clip. Not that I think Asslee is high, it’s just that damn stoner laugh.

Know who I love watching  in interviews? You got it, My Joe Jonas. ’cause he’s cute, funny, and totally not annoying.

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Douche Nozzle of the Millenium

August 13, 2009 at 9:06 pm (Celbritasses, Douche Nozzle of the Week, Parenting Blunders)
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Dick face say what?? This is just too much. Evidently, Jon Gosselin has been invited to host a pool party at MGM Grand’s Wet Republic.  An announcement was sent saying “America’s favorite father” would be at the party for “a little R&R and will be hosting poolside.”

I’ve yet to  confirm this on the MGM site but People among other mags are reporting it.

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All I can say is if this is America’s Favorite Father we’re in deep shit. This motherfucker ditched his wife and EIGHT (8) children to run around banging bitches and drinking and smoking up ciggies. And his main Ho is a pothead! This ain’t any type of father I’d wish for in a zillion years. 

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The type of father Jon Gosselin should aspire to be is the type that My Joe Jonas has. It’s very clear the man has done all he can to raise his sons to be good men.

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Michael Jackson’s Daughter Paris

August 8, 2009 at 11:32 pm (Celbritasses, Parenting Blunders)

I haven’t blogged about MJ’s death or any of the craziness since, until now. Years ago when the Jackson children started popping up I called it immediately that Prince was not a bio child of MJ. Then Paris shows up and again, I knew immediately she was not his. As soon as he died, I knew there was gonna be lots o drama surrounding the paternity and maternity of these children and that custody battles would be aplenty. Honestly, those kids never had a chance at a normal life from the get-go, but then MJ has to up and die…now they are royally fucked.

According to TMZ, Mark Lester, who is an actor of some sort…never heard of his ass until now…claims to be the bio dad to Paris Jackson. He says he was a long-time friend of MJ who asked Lester to donate sperm while MJ was married to Debbie Rowe.

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The photo above does little to assist in a comparison between potential father and daughter, however, the photo of Lester’s 15 year old daughter Harriet shows some common traits between the two girls. 

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Evidently, Lester says he has “concerns about the welfare and upbringing of the children.”  Well, you know what dude, you never seemed to have a problem with it while they were living with a drug addict, so STFU and leave her where she is.  Anyway you can read the article in News of the World if you feel so inclined.

Someone else who had a striking resemblance to another person and yet another topic I have yet to write about is My Joe Jonas and his clone ex-girlfriend Camilla Belle. They’ve broken up. She broke his heart. That bitch. Well, it’s better that it happened now before she gave him an STD, which you all know damn well she would have.

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Joe, baby…you don’t need a girlfriend who has been photographed all over the world with all different men for the last year you’ve been dating her.  She’s been banging all these guys left and right. You deserve better, and you will find love. If I could, I would comfort you in your time of sadness and make you forget all about that skanky ho.

 

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WTF Paris Hilton – For Real??? AKA Douche Nozzle of the Week

August 6, 2009 at 2:10 pm (Celbritasses, Douche Nozzle of the Week, Shit I don't get, The Utterly Fabulous Jonai)
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I’m always a day late on the news b/c I read/hear it then let it soak in for a day before I feel like saying something about it. I guess it takes a bit for my anger about some things to wear off before I decide to tackle it. So I look at Perez Hilton yesterday and see Paris Hilton has had a $325,000 house built for her fucking dogs. REALLY? The house I live in with my husband, kids and 1 dog cost ran us just a hair under that.

Here’s the canine crib:

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First off, if my pet had his own house, he wouldn’t ever be in it because he loves his people, loves to play and basically just sit with us.  Because real, loving pet owners take care of their own pets and hang around with them. We don’t carry them around as accessories, and we don’t build a nearly half a million dollar house for them because that is seriously one of the most asinine things someone could ever do.

How about taking a page from the Book of Jonai, Princess Hilton, and take some of that excess cash you’ve got and place it generously into the hands of some worthwhile charities. How about donating some of it to an animal shelter, the Humane Society, PETA, or something of real value. Stop being such a fucking asshole and wake up.

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O’ Hypocrisy, Wherefore Art Thou??

August 4, 2009 at 12:05 am (Celbritasses, Politics, Shit I don't get)
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Bristol Palin is so full of shit she probably can’t see the baby she had when he’s in front of her face. All of a sudden I see this shit about The Candies Foundation…

“The mission of The Candie’s Foundation is to educate America’s youth about the devastating consequences of teen pregnancy through celebrity PSA campaigns and initiatives.”

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Ever since Psycho Sarah Palin forced her daughter and babydaddy Levi Johnston to attend the RNC as a happy unwed pregnant teen couple, this girl has had a soapbox glued to her shoes. Yes. Allow her to speak about teen pregnancy. Loud and Clear against teen sex, for abstinence, whatever – as clearly, she does have experience with it. She should not, however, get the honor of being a Teen Ambassador for an Internationally renowned corporation which caters to teens and tweens worldwide. DUH!

If I was a teen girl right now, the girls I would look up to and have respect for on a platform like teen pregnancy would be wholesome girls like Taylor Swift, Jordin Sparks, or Selena Gomez. Girls who have not had babies as a teen, nor behave in a manner which would imply that they are having sex.

I applaud Candies for their stance against teen pregnancy, just question their rationale in choosing their “ambassador”. 

Here’s my idea: Candies could ask My Joe Jonas to join their panel to get teen girls to pledge to abstain from sex unless it is with him or until they are no longer teens.  Two things are gonna happen. 1) This country is going to get skinnier when girls start exercising and stop eating junk food waiting for Joe Jonas to come into their lives and turn their dreams into reality, and 2) we’re gonna have less pregnant teens when he doesn’t show.  By the time they realize he’s not coming, they are 20 (or 38 with 2 kids). Let’s face it. If girls are dumb enough to get knocked up, they might be dumb enough to agree to the pledge. If not, he’s gonna look damn fine as Candies new ambassador anyway so it’s a win-win.

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Douche Nozzle of the Week

February 5, 2009 at 11:50 am (Celbritasses, Movies & Music)

Christian Bale is mad. I think someone really REALLY needs some anger management classes.

The  story is, he was filming Terminator last summer and the Director of Photography walked onto the set behind the director during a scene. Consquently, Christian Bale totally lost it. Totally. Lost. It.

I’ve been hearing the excuse that the scene was super intense and the distraction was just too much for him. Also that he’s a method actor and he was in character. Whatever. It’s all bullshit. As far as I know, the Director of Photography who, thanks to Christian Bale has a new asshole, is no less important to the movie set than is Bale. Paid much much less, but no less important. And, I might add, he’s also a person. This guy probably has a wife, maybe some children, he’s definitely someone’s son, maybe someone’s brother, etc. Just like Mr. Bale himself. Too bad Christian Bale feels he is so much more important than other people.

You’ve all heard the 4 minute rant so I really don’t think posting it here is necessary. However, what I do think is necessary is for everyone to make sure Christian Bale realizes how ridiculous he is and that he has a serious problem. So here’s my favorite blogger having some fun with a “Bale Out!!” YAY!!

As for someone who most likely would never think he was more important than someone enough to verbally abuse them for over 4 minutes with close to 40 F-bombs…of course, My Prince – My Joe Jonas. He’s too beautiful to be so obscene.  And you know he doesn’t take himself seriously…he’s going to be in Walter the Farting Dog for God’s sake!!

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