It has not always been easy for me to find it. Sometimes it’s just impossible. Those are the times I just go to sleep for a few hours and wait it out. It does come, but it takes some work. Thus is the life of someone whose brain malfunctions and makes them feel like a sad sack on most days. I’m used to it.
On a positive note, I do know I have a great husband, 2 healthy and beautiful daughters, I have a warm home, all the creature comforts one really needs, yet finding that happy place is not something that comes naturally.
So last night was our crazy dance night. Karly dances from 4:15-4:45, and Bailey dances from 6-7, leaving and hour and fifteen between. 2 moms whose daughters dance with Karly clued me in to this great play place in the same strip mall where dance is held. The kids can play and the moms can chat, and they serve food there so it’s all good. Unfortunately, at dance last night, my 2 new friends said they weren’t going to the play place. Well, I had my zune and the scarf knitting project with me, so after Karly’s dance we went to the play place. Biggest mistake of my day.
Every once in a while you’ll get that kid that is doing off-the-wall stuff and it’s at the tip of your tongue to turn to all the gabbing moms and ask who the fuck’s kid that is. Yeah. Last night, there were like 6 of those kids. Doing REALLY bad stuff. And all of the kids doing bad stuff, turns out their mothers were in there with them not even paying attention to them. So I stood outside of the boundaries of the play area and kept an eagle eye on my own kids getting ready to hurdle the gate if necessary to get them out of there. All that really happened was that there was a girl pulling on my 6 year old, and then trying to pick her up when they were on one of the climbing play structures. Nothing big. But the whole evening just gave me a great deal of agita. There was more stuff, but it was boring, probably like this story.
Anyway, we dropped Bai off at dance and on our way to the car, Karly started crying that she wanted noodles from the Chinese food place. We had just eaten, so I told her she didn’t need another dinner. She fucking cried and SCREAMED the whole way home. So I did too. I’m actually not sure if I have ever screamed that loud before. I thought I ‘d have an aneurysm. It was really bad. I felt terrible about it as I was doing it, but it didn’t stop me. So there we were, the two of us, screaming like a couple of psychos. Real cute.
She feel asleep right away when we got home, and the guilt that had already hit me just weighed on me. I woke her up when Jon came home with the noodles and fed them to her and then kissed her little face a million times and apologized for screaming and just held her and she fell asleep again and I knew that her screaming and my screaming was just a power struggle between a 3 year old and an overtired mommy. One of us should have known better and I hope to Christ next time she realizes that and reigns it in before it gets that out of hand.
Last night after the knock down drag out with my 3 yr old, I haul my ass out of bed where I’m dorking around on the internet, as usual, tell Jon I need to start getting Christmas gifts and he tells me Santa’s not coming this year. Well, he didn’t say that but he said, “don’t buy them a whole bunch of shit”, or something similar. I just gave him a bewildered look stared him down with what I can only assume is my best Mommie Dearest “Don’t Fuck with Me Fellas” Look. Neither of us moved a muscle for what seemed like 10 minutes. Me, trying to find the words, him waiting for the fire storm that was about to come out of my mouth. All that happened to me was the eye twitch I had back in 2001 when I did 9 months hard time in customer service WHILE PREGNANT!! The twitch went away the day I quit the job, and here it was again. Was my husband actually telling me not to buy christmas gifts for our children? He said, “Don’t be mad at me! it’s this shitty economy! We’re going into a depression!” I named a few things the kids want and he said, “no they can’t have that.” Holy fuckin shit, I think he’s serious! I spent a couple more minutes with that stare down, then had to walk away before I found something to throw. We’ve made it 14 years without a shred of violence, and now it’s all coming down to this. I’m thinking we’re on the fast track to a domestic.
And that was when I posted my status on facebook about not being able to find my happy place. And would anyone blame me?
So today, everything started out ok. I had gone to bed early (for me) – at midnight. I just couldn’t deal with reality anymore so sleep was a welcome respite from conscious thought. 6:45am rolled around, I got Bailey up, dressed, fed, lunch made, hair brushed and then Jon put her on the bus. I realized while walking around in a t-shirt and underwear that my father-in-law could possibly come in at any time since he lives .3 miles from us (too much time spent living hours away from relatives makes for one unprepared gal!) so I ran upstairs to throw on a pair of shorts and made a mental note to do so for all future mornings. I made breakfast and coffee, sat with Karly and read the paper, saw an ad that said the Toys R Us Big Christmas Catalog will be out in Sunday’s paper and my heart sank. Jon walked by and I asked if he had rethought his position on Christmas. He said he felt the same as he did last night. What the Eff?
I came across an ad for TRU for today, Doorbuster sales. I could go and buy a Sony Walkman 2GB MP3 player for $45. They usually run $90 at TRU, but they price high anyway. Other places I could buy it at regular price for $70 and up so $45 was a good price. I told Jon I was getting them for the girls. He said ok. (???)
Well, then it was time to go. I told Karly we were going to the toy store. She said she didn’t want to go. She ACTUALLY said, “I don’t want to go to the toy store!” In what bizarre universe does a 3 year old kid not want to go to a toy store? So we went back and forth with “Put your shoes on”, “No, I don’t wanna go to the toy store.” a few times until I finally said I’d drop her off with a neighbor and go by myself and that worked. We don’t know any of our neighbors, so that may have been what scared her. I don’t know. All I know is that she put her shoes on and we left. Am I proud of myself for threatening my daughter with stanger abandonment? No. But when you have kids that don’t do anything you tell them to do, sometimes you just have to say whatever will work. Today was a day made for that kind of bullshit.
After hunting down the sale items, I told the kid I would take her to McDonald’s play place because she was wanting a 30 second 50 cent ride on one of those no frills, no thrills department store rides and I didn’t have 50 cents. So I took
her
to
Mcdonald’s.
What the hell was I thinking? I wanted to find my HAPPY PLACE. And that’s where I took her????????????? I sat there long enough to eat her cheeseburger, text Jon and pray to God that she would willingly go with me, because I cannot and will not go inside those play structures. However, when I heard her little voice call to me, “Mama, there’s a man here.” My head snapped up and sure as shit there was someone’s creepy father sitting up there. I don’t usually think fathers are creepy but this guy kept making silly comments to me and smiling like a lunatic and I wasn’t in the mood. So I fucking took off my shoes and climbed into the monstrosity of tubes and slides, got my kid and got her out of there. And the guy tried making conversation with me while I was up there. I not-so-politely told him that “I don’t do playstructures” (or the dads there I was also gonna say but didn’t) and tore ass out of there.
So I’m back at home, getting ready to go alter part of Wonder Woman’s costume because it’s too big for her tiny little body, showed off my booty (the stuff I bought today sickos) to the hubby and actually got approval, and will be going to a school Halloween party (which will be a nightmare). Later tonight when Jon and I are alone watching a scary movie together, hopefully that Happy Place will start to come through.
You know who I bet is always in a happy place? My Joe Jonas of course. Except when he’s being mobbed by schoolgirls and has blogs written about him by their psycho mothers. Oh well. He’s still so much fun to look at!
