Ali chose Frank

to go on the first date. They had a vintage car to drive around and wouldn’t it figure the bastard broke down on the freeway! While they were getting their ass saved, the douchebags at the mansion were arguing.

Craig R:

accused Justin:

of lying because during the first night cocktail party he didn’t tell all the manhos he was an entertainment wrestler but he told Ali. Boo Fucking Hoo idiot – it’s a competition!

Ali & Frank finished their awesome date by having kissy kissy time under the Hollywood sign. They got the vintage wreck fixed and had a picnic and snuggle time on the hood of the car somewhere in the Hwood hills. Pure romance.  Ali is loving Frank’s ass in a big way!

Back at the mansion, the boys got their next date time note: Going on the date are: Chris H, Justin, Ty, Chris L.,  Jonathan, Kirk, Steve, Craig R. Chris, Jason, Craig M., Tyler, and Steve. I think. Twelve mofos on one date?!

Craig M

started picking on hottie Jessie

about his tattoos. He said he wanted to know what Ali was gonna say when she saw his tats and asked if his mom did them for him.  Craig M.  continued taunting Jessie into the night and finally managed to both piss Jessie off as well as scare some of the housemates. He’s definitely a psycho, definitely great for TV!

Ali gave Frank the rose to stay, of course – I think they may have had sex on the hood of the car. He’s in lurve.

On the group date, Ali took the boys to the beach in Malibu where Justin had to go down about a zillion steps down to the sand on his crutches.  Ali announced they were doing a calendar shoot for charity so the guys had to all pack their junk into banana slings and pose for pictures. Jonathan was really shy about getting into a speedo so he whined about it but finally put it on and came out wearing a floatie ring.  Some of the guys appeared to have vaginas under their suits or else they were practicing a good tuck game and why WOULD they? Ali is obviously the kinda gal who likes to see what kinda junk someone’s packing – remember how she kept Craig R. around after the first date? Well here I thought he musta shown her some huge shlong yet in his teeny weeny trunks he has the teeny tiniest junx!!

Anysmallpenis, all the guys thought Craig M. acted like a total douchebag and it’s true, he did.  They all went to dinner after and Ty opened up and told her that he’d been married before. AWKWARD!  Ali’s eyes got real big at the first mention of his having been divorced and stayed that way the whole time he talked about it. In other words, buh bye, Ty!

Jonathan is scared to death psycho Craig M. is gonna come at him so he’s thinking about his marshall arts moves he’s got that he might have to pull out. Jonathan goes and interrupts Ty and Ali to talk about the CRAZY in the house and that she needs to pull the plug on mister nutty pants.  Jonathan kind of lost his shit a little bit and I definitely think he’s gay. Like 110%. Ali immediately ushered Jonathan back out where all the rest of the guys beckoned him by calling, “Hey weatherman…” Craig pestered him a little and got him ALMOST crying…he may have and producers just edited that out…not sure.

Back at the mansion: A note arrives with a pair of cufflinks with Jessie’s initials on them. The other guys spend some time giving him some shit about it but there doesn’t seem to be any real animosity about it. Mostly because the true asshats are on the large group date.

Returning to the group date, Justin hobbles on his crutches down a series of steps to see Ali. Honestly, the crutches shit is gonna get real old real quick. They just need to call the scooter store for this bitch. The guys are all busting on him while he’s gone about how he’s probably throwing the sympathy card (he was).  While Justin was downstairs spooning with Ali several of the guys were talking shit about him, including Kasey the Muppet guy – like he should talk! Seriously. with a muppet voice like that he needs to keep his damn trap shut!   After her rendezvous with Justin, Ali returned to the rest of the gents and gave the date rose to Ty the happy divorced guy! Wow! Shocker!!

Ali is ready for her date with Jessie.  She thinks he’s hot and sexy. As he’s getting ready he’s putting tons of (wayyy too much)  product in his hair. He’s nervous, he has the cufflinks and he’s ready to go. Probably blowing ass cuz you know how them cute guys get - you think they’re all cool and collected when really they get really loose bowels when they get nervous and fart up a storm. I have a real good looking brother so I am very familiar with this phenomenon.   Ali & Jessie are going in a private jet to Vegas. The cute boy is smiling ear to ear. She’s scared to fly (she was the one Jake took in the plane because she was scared) so she has her hand on his hot muscular thigh. Good call Ali. Even if she wasn’t scared, any chance to be able to put her hands all over him is smart thinking!!

They land and get into a red ferarri convertible. Not bad for a first date. I call show over, leave it at Jessie!!  They get to a brand new private pool area, eat oysters, which he tries and tells her if it didn’t have lemon it would have tasted like shit, and then they swim and wrap their bodies around each other and paw each other under the water.  Nice date – swimming and heavy petting.  After swimming, they got dressed up (him in a new suit with his cufflinks) and went to dinner. She came down a spiral staircase in a gorgeous boobie baring gown and she had the shades raised to show the strip all lit up out 2 windows behind them. It was a gorgeous dinner date. Had he not called her dude, it might have even been perfect.

Back at the house, Craig M. is up to his normal douchebaggery. He puts on Weatherman’s coat and comes in saying he’s looking for his little brother Weatherman. He takes the jacket off and he has watered down his pits from shoulder to belt. Poor Jonathan is steaming mad! Guy takes himself way too seriously and  just cannot laugh at himself. He’s starting to really remind me of Tommy Girl!

Jessie and Ali continue their date and conversation and Ali presents him with the date rose, then they go to a club for private dancing and making out. MAN is Jessie HOT!!

Cocktail party time. Chris L. got some nervous, awkward, forgettable one on one time. Bummer.  After that, Ali took Roberto back to the spot where they salsa danced last week and Ali is nervous and giggly talking to him. He told her that he had gotten drafted by the CO Rockies and asks if she wants to play catch. He goes to get his gloves and ball and they have a catch – very sweet.  He teaches her to throw a knuckle ball and she did a pretty decent job. I have to put my cynicism aside and say I REALLY hope this guy sticks around because he’s a total doll.

Next she got Kasey Muppet guy who told her she looked ABSOLUTELY IMAGINARY. What could that even possibly mean?!?! He got no more time than that and Frank butted in and stole Ali away from Kasey. Even though rat bastard has a rose from his one on one date!  He spent some good time kissing Ali while several of the other guys looked on and wanted to simultaneously puke and rip Frank’s head off.

Craig M. says, “Weatherman, if you get your one on one time with Ali tonight are you gonna try to make out with her or anything?” and then laughs tauntingly. Jonathan does get his one on one and talks about Craig M.

Craig M. gets his time with Ali and totally blows it. He acts like a crazy homeless dude all paranoid. Doesn’t know how to respond to Ali’s questions, and then is confronted with the knowledge that someone told her he’s dangerous.  He figures Jonathan said it and he gathers all the guys and asks who said it, then asks Jonathan if he said it…and more awkwardness ensues. I think Weatherman has somewhere around a 90% chance of precip in his pants right now.

 During the speech at the beginning of the rose ceremony they had a quick shot of Weatherman smiling at Ali like he had a steaming pile of shit in his pants and he was thrilled as all get out about it. The more I see this guy, the more I believe he is headed straight for Broadway when this thing wraps.

In addition to the guys who already got their roses (Frank, Ty, and HOT Jessie) the guys who got roses tonight in order were:

Kasey Muppet Guy.

Hunter – Sorry I’m not seeing it. I don’t remember her even talking to this guy this time.

Roberto HOTTTTT!!!!!

Chris L.

Justin

Steve – All I still know about this guy is that he has curly hair.

Kirk – got some serious sunburn this week

John C. – I still can’t get past the McDonald’s eyebrows

Craig R.

Chris N.

Jonathan N. WHAT?? He just shit his pants again!! and had the look on his face to prove it!

She got rid of Craig M and a real hot guy plus some other guy. Even though Craig was a total idiot, he was freaking hilarious! So, while we’ll have a little less funny to look forward to, we’ll still have some drama as there’s still plenty of super donkey asshole douchebaggery to go around!

AnyyesIwasalazyassbitchevenbackthen, tonight on The Bachelorette, we met 25 guys, some total douche bags, some huge dorks, some a little creepy…Here’s how it went down:

Opening scenes Ali talked about how she totally fucked everything up with Jake when she chose a desk and a computer and a keyboard over love. Whatevs. He was gonna pick that big-eyed anime looking chick anyway ’cause she was giving it up since their first date together. So it wasn’t gonna be you Als. Sorry.

We saw her frolicking on the beach, and then talking about how she likes to throw on a pair of jeans and kick a soccer ball around, which she was doing in the package, but who ACTUALLY wears jeans while playing soccer?! It was a snoozefest. I said bring on the manhos and they finally did.  Here are the guys in the order of roses they received accompanied by the information I could glean about them in the short snippets they showed:

1: Roberto age 26. He got the first impression rose after he spoke spanish to Ali during the initial outside meeting and salsa dancing with her during their one-on-one time. She REALLY liked him, so it was no surprise he got the 1st impression rose. He is super hot, totally gorgeous and I can’t wait to look at him for the next 8 mondays or whatever. YUM!

2: Justin, 26 Entertainment Wrestler from Toronto, Canada. He has a broken foot from 2 weeks before he got to the show, so he’ll be rocking that cast until the end. He got his rose early, as he was the bitch the other jealous guys thought was not “there for the right reasons” (TFTRR). They had all seen him pull his shirt open during his one-on-one time with Ali to reveal a t-shirt with his wrestler name “Rated-R”. They didn’t get that and they were all totally jealous because he is ridiculously hot.

3. Jesse, 24 General Contractor from Peculiar, MO. This is the guy who is super good looking but slurs his speech so much he sounds wasted. Hell maybe he WAS wasted, but he did it from the time he got there until the end of the show. I hope he learns to enunciate or she kicks his ass to the curb soon ’cause that shit is just ANNOYING.  He made her some heart thing out of wood using a jigsaw. Big whoop. Can’t we all make shit using jigsaws??

4. Ty, 31 – Medical Sales, Franklin, TN. This guy honestly I thought was kinda goofy. He has long sideburns – like really long. Like maybe 5-6″? but they’re trimmed so you can totally see his face through them. I think if you’re gonna go to the bother of growing sideburns that long, at least make sure they’re opague. So – this guy does some music stuff, maybe singer/songwriter on the side, and is divorced, only for a couple months. He did NOT divulge this tonight.

5. Craig R. - I didn’t glean any knowledge about Craig R. He has really poor posture so I was focused on that. During his one-on-one, he talked to Ali about guys not being TFTRR. He also presented her with a keychain of a little yellow sneaker and had a matching one. It was gay and I quit listening to him explain what they were all about so I have no idea. I’m shocked she chose him to stay. He is very average looking so I can only imagine he showed her his oversized penis off-camera. In all the promos for the season, it looks like she’s rolling around in bed with pretty much all of the guys so I’m sure she’s really interested in dick size.

6.  Tyler M. 23 – Tyler came out of the limo wearing cowboy boots and he told her he wore them in her honor since she had worn them when she got out of the limo meeting Jake. Only…she…hadn’t been. Oh how awkward. If I’d been him, I’d have turned around, gotten back into the limo and asked the driver to take me away.

7. Frank, 31 – Retail Manager – Chicago, IL – I assume since he was the first guy they showed and he had a large block of time devoted to his story, that he will be sticking around. He is an aspiring screenwriter who lived in Paris for a time, and now lives with his parents. 31 years old living with his parents? He told her this shit tonight and she still kept him? REALLY?? Ali is dumber than I thought.

8. Steve, 28 – Sales, Cleveland OH. He has curly hair.

9. Chris L., 32 – Landscaper, Cape Cod, MA – He is a former teacher who quit his job to move from NY back to Cape Cod when his mother became ill. He said, “Life is fleeting - so short. Love is the only reality.”  He ended up having an awkward first meeting with Ali which caused that secondary embarassment that I despise. He did not tell Ali that his mother passed away because he thought it wasn’t the right time to bring it up. So when Ali asked him if his parents are still together, he said yes.

10. Kirk, 27 from Green Bay, WI. He made her a paper rose at the initial meeting, and brought a scrapbook that he had made for her. It was kinda goofy but sweet and she liked it.

11. John C., 32 Hotel Business Development - Issaquah, WA – At the inital meeting outside he got down on one knee and presented her with a CZ ring. He seemed very down to earth and very sweet, which probably will boil down to he’s a total pussy but we’ll see. He also has some totally ridic looking eyebrows!!

12. Chris N. Entrepreneur – Presented a rose to her when they met outside.

13. Chris H – Real estate investor

14. Hunter – 28 – At the initial meeting he told Ali that he had something funny lined up but was nervous so he forgot it, and also that it was a longer ride than he thought it was going to be so he hadda go pee pee. Inside, later he played a song that he wrote. It was funny and he played it on a ukelele which made it funnier. Of course some of the other bitches were jealous of him. He mentioned later about Craig M. called him “The dude with the toupee” – Craig M’s hair is pretty luxurious but not a toupee. He also said Roberto did some hot sauce dance or something….He will be the entertainer and bound to provide some good one-liners.

15. Craig M – 33 – Dental Sales Rep – Toronto, Ontario. He’s “The dude with the toupee”. Someone asked when they were writing down the names for people who aren’t TFTRR – Is it Craig with a C or a K? This guy is a major DB, yet somehow, she kept his ass around.

16. Jonathan – 30 – Weatherman, Houston, TX. Super funny guy, a little geeky. Presented Ali with a Sun magnet.

17. Kasey 27 – Advertising Account Exec – Clovis, CA This guy has a muppet voice worse than Miley Cyrus.  That, for me, would have been a deal breaker.

One guy she THANKFULLY sent packing was a guy who told her his name was Shooter before even telling her what his real name was. He wanted her to find him to find out why his name was Shooter. He told her later that when he was in college, he had an unfortunate instance of premature “you know” so he got the nickname Shooter and it stuck. After he was denied a rose, he then realized it may not have been the best decision to share that information with Ali. You don’t say!!!

Promos show lots of drama including another girlfriend situation and an obsessed guy who went home and possibly slit his wrist then came back. It’s sure to be a season full of complete and utter nonsense and I can’t wait. More next week!!

So:

THAT guy died? This is Paul Gray, the bass player for the heavy metal band Slipknot.  All kinds of bitches who knew this dude claim he was the nicest guy in the world. That’s awesome. He was, at the time of his death, staying at a hotel a couple of minutes from his home. He’d been there a few days. He’s a known drug user. All of that goes to show, even the nicest guy in the world might be hiding something. So it’s possible that at the age of 39 this guy checked into a hotel room a few miles from his home to die in peace of natural causes. I guess it’s possible.

Well two things happened when I got home with my purchases. #1, my 8 year old kid had nose bleeds all day at school that continued while she was home. She started stuffing paper towels up her nostrils but I stopped her before she tore one open (nostril not paper towel) and handed her a box of tissues. That left me three for the FOLLOWING breaking news:

#2 Jemi has split up. I repeat: JEMI is O-V-A-H!!! Evidently an unnamed source is reporting that Joe had his Dad call Demi and tell her that Joe was breaking up with her. If that’s true, that is the biggest bunch of bullshit since Lindsay Lohan “losing” her passport in Cannes. 

I know there are some folks who believed this was a relationship contract situation, but I never believed it, and I certainly don’t believe it now. If this was a contract, why would they end it before the Jonas Brothers/Demi Lovato world tour this summer, and before Camp Rock 2 premieres in September? I don’t think they would. It would be a shomance until it was not needed to be anymore. And if this was a showmance, it would still be going on, believe it.

So, Lover Boy has tossed another girl aside, and my 3 boxes of tissues are nearly empty. I’ll be ok. In a few months I’ll barely remember that they were ever a couple at all.  In time I will even delete the folder I have set up on my computer called “Jemi” where I stored 5 pictures for use on this rarely-updated blog.  Seriously, things have to get monumental for me to drag ass over here and post….and I do believe the events of this day have called for some serious blog posting.

Ok, so here’s the scoop.

 This guy:

plus this gal:   

Gives mama the heebie jeebies in a big way. TMZ reports that Larry has been having an affair for 5 years with Shawn’s sister, buying her diamond necklaces, cars, and lots of other expensive shit, using a credit card to pay for all of it. Great-Grandad’s Business Manager pays his bills so Shawn never knew anything about it. 

Evidently, there were recent murmurings of Shawn having an affair with her sons’ baseball coach. I guess I never really figured Shawn would be exclusive with Larry King – I figured she was a trophy wife and that she’d be getting satisfied by dudes with working penises now and again. If you married an 87 year old man, wouldn’t you have a line in the contract stating specifically that you would be entitled to spa days (and by spa days of course I mean hot sex sessions with gorgeous younger men) ? 

And what the hell is up with Shawn’s sister? She couldn’t find her own Civil War survivor to have an affair with? Maybe my thinking is way off. Maybe dudes with paper-thin skin, dentures and walkers are the kind of men women should be lusting after.

I don’t know, let’s do a side-by-side comparison:

I think my point has been made, people. Shawn, you are going to go forth from this divorce known as $hawn with the cash you will make from your prenup. Get yourself an age-appropriate man and enjoy yourself. No More PePaw shit!!!!

So Tiger, he’s a douche, yes. He fucked up his marriage, he disrespected his family – you might even say he ruined his family. He brought 2 children into this world and fucked them over. He’s an ass of epic proportions. 

But Jesse James…it just keeps getting more and more fucked up.  First, there’s the Heil Hitler picture that’s now out there. 

Evidently it’s from before he and Sandy were married. It’ sick, whether it was a joke or not. Who jokes about Hitler? A seriously fucked-in-the-head individual is who.

The shit obviously started hitting  the fan when Michelle “Bombshell” McGee stepped forward as whore #1 and now we’re not only up to #5, but we’re gonna throw a foursome with 2 bitches and a dude into the mix.  And Jesse James & the dude taking turns on the one woman named “skittles” (could a porn company actually write this story?) and Jesse wasn’t even wearing a condom – and the other dude thinks maybe he, himself tied off the finger of a latex glove but even he’s not sure about that…now that’s some shit that makes me think, “what the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously.”

You look at that shit and think, “Why?” Well, probably because Sandy Bullock is a normal, sweet lady. She’s probably not a whore in the bedroom.  She might try to be, knowing that her husband was married to a porn star, so she probably pulled out her best ho moves, but women like Sandy Bullock don’t have that deep down dirty shit in their repertoire that can satisfy a man-whore like Jesse James.   Apparently he’s the kind of guy who wants not only a whore in the bedroom, but now it’s becoming clear he just likes filthy whores anywhere he can get them.

Check the article at The Huff-Post for the gory details. Beware, as if it were possible to have any respect remaining for Jesse James, any iota that even the most disgusting pig has toward him will be gone after you read this. He’s simply the douche nozzle of the millenium as far as I’m concerned.

I have vascillated most of my adult life between being semi-religious, mostly spiritual and then totally teetering on edge of being agnostic.  This shit right here might push me overboard. How can shit get done THIS wrong the first time?

Meet Balian Buschbaum, formerly Yvonne Buschbaum. 

He was born a girl thirty years ago in Ulm, Germany.  She, Yvonne, became a world record holder/phenom in pole vaulting, but decided to quit all of it, the vaulting, the vagina – everything – to become a man.

So here’s where you lose me – I’ve looked over the photos of Balian, and nowhere can I see a hint of Yvonne. A little bit of gayness – like a slight effeminate quality where I may have looked at him and thought, “yeah now that’s a damn shame for women of the world, ’cause that Dude right there likes kissing boys.” 

But at no time would I have looked at him and said, “Now wait just a second, that dude used to be a chick!” No way. So there’s where my faith is coming into question – ’cause if God were God, and I’m not saying he’s not, this is hypothetical…but wouldn’t people just be born the way they were supposed to be? No where in my logical thinking can I come up with the notion that Yvonne should have stayed a girl. She was supposed to be a boy. Period.

I’m glad he is finally getting to be who he was supposed to be after 30 years in the wrong body.

Kids, kids, kids – I have been waiting for this since I saw these two beautiful people working together. They’ve claimed forever that they are best friends and like brother and sister. But, alas – these two gorgeous individuals have finally succumbed to the electricity that has been keeping them connected at the hip. Yes, they are disney superstars, married to the mouse, really probably until their contracts expire, and if Mom and Dad Jonas knew what they were doing, and I believe they did, they signed those boys up until they’re 30. Keep that Disney money rolling in, because even the most talented boy bands only have about a 3-year shelf life. 

Any2ofthemostgorgeouspeopleeverbirthed, Joe and Demi – or as the rest of the world has tagged them, “Jemi”, or at least half of Jemi has now owned up to the fact that they are indeed an item. While doing a radio interview with Billy Bush, Demi let the cat out of the bag that she and Joe are dating. YAY!

These two have been working a lot together recently, with the filming of Camp Rock 2 which comes out this summer and in which the two of them play love interests; with the recording of their duet “Make A Wave” for the “Friends For Change” Disney initiative; with the filming of their promos for “Make A Wave”; with the filming of the “Make A Wave” video, etc. etc. etc.  The friendship was bound to progress, so let’s all hope that it continues onward and upward. It’s nice to see love, and hear people speak so highly of each other (well, Demi about Joe in the BB interview, anyway). Good Luck Joe & Demi!!!

In the 2000′s, he admitted that he had an 85 valium a day habit (in addition to other pills) 85 fucking valium a day, how the fuck did he live through that?! I take 1/4 of a benadryl and my husband has to check to make sure I haven’t slipped into a coma.

So, hell – looks like ’10 is off to a great start with more Hollywood types kicking the bucket because they can’t kick the drugs. Look out Lindsay Lohan, I think you’re on the short list, girl.

In other gay news, Douche Nozzle of the week is Sen. Roy Ashburn came out as a gay man (duh) after being arrested on a DUI when leaving a gay bar with a man in his vehicle.  What you have to love is the fact that this douche nozzle legislated time and again AGAINST gay people. It’s a political thing, I guess – you want to be a Republican so you have to do what all the other thugs do.  I wonder if a guy like this, while getting a BJ from some dude, is dreaming up all the ways he can relinquish his own civil rights by writing and fighting for legislation to take them away.

 And seriously? Look at this guy! Is there even a question in anyone’s mind that he was ever IN the closet?

Since they’re jumping out right and left wearing their mother’s New Year’s Eve dress and satin pumps, let’s talk about some others who are on the fringe who should just get it out there and let everyone  stop wondering and get on with their lives. Next week I would like to see Anderson Cooper, Kate Walsh (and her husband), and my entire college softball team (a couple are out, a couple are in lesbian relationships and not “out” somehow, and a couple are married with kids. I think I was the only one not gay and they picked on me all the time.)

So kids, come on out – it’s time to play!